Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He passed out mid-signature
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
