I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
