i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
