people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
