i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
