she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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