saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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