can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
