She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
