I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
