So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
