What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
