i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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