Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
