I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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