You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
