I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
