you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
