Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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