remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
