i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
