Define "chronic" masturbator.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
