did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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