Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
