I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
