Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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