Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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