i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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