hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
