Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
