Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
