Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
