you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
