A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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