The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
