So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
