I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
