Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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