I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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