there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
