i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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