chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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