I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
