speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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