you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
