bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
