If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This baby is an asshole
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
