I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
