I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
