I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
