It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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