Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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