how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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